You were here and now you are gone and my arms ache for you.
Did I do enough?
Did you know how much I loved you?
Did I spend enough time just being your mummy?
My lovely girl. My Daisy Rose.
I miss you so much. We all miss you. We miss your voice calling for us, the way you chose which sibling would have a hug depending on what you needed them to do for you.
I miss our cuddles, our special times together. Chatting to you and telling you funny stories to keep you entertained on the endless trips to hospital for appointments. Singing together as I set up your infusions. Answering your endless questions.
I avoid the shops you loved, it hurts too much to remember your request for shopping, for money, for big girls clothes, for a new toy....
I talk to you a lot, I dream of you a lot. I wave to you in the stars.
The house echoes with emptiness. The silence is deafening.
When you died I switched off your beloved ipad, with all your music and TV shows and games and photos. I have not switched it back on since. It still has your fingerprints. Tomorrow I'm going to turn it on again. Once more the house will be filled with your soundtrack.
I'm reliving every last moment. It pains me that you were in so much pain at the end, that you were poked and prodded in your last hours. But we didn't know. We had been so close to the edge so many times, every time you let us glimpse into the abyss then you turned the corner and came back. This time you didn't, I knew you were so tired. You had been tired for so long. Since daddy died. your beautiful spark was gone and you tried so hard but it was all such an effort.
And I knew, at the end, it was time to let you go. And much as I hate the thought that your last hours were filled with fear and pain I am glad we were able to reclaim you and bring you home again. Bring our girl home just as you asked.
I hope that you knew how much you were loved. How we made sure that we fitted in a lifetime of memories into your 12 years. We did so much, everywhere I go in London there is a memory of a place we went together, time spent together, precious time.
I always knew our time was going to be short, I could never imagine that we would have the gift of twelve years with you. Yet I want more, just a last hug, to hold you in my arms, to feel your little curly head against my cheek.
I hope I did enough, I hope you were happy, I hope you knew how much you were loved.
I was so lucky to have been your mummy.
22/12/04 - 31/01/17