I was asked this week what I say when I am asked how many children I have? Always four, I always will have four children, I replied. She may no longer be here but she will always be with me, every single day.
Mother's day is hard. That day when we celebrate motherhood. We all have mothers, some of us are lucky to be mothers or to have made the choice to have children.
I always wanted children, just not straight away. I'm so glad Andy and I waited for a few years. I'm so lucky that I met him when I was young so that we were able to have that time together, to cement our relationship, BC – before children. It seems like centuries ago, a completely different world away.
Mother's day this year is different. Not just because Daisy is not here. With her home made cards and excitement at giving me a gift she had bought on her daily trip to our local shops (she loved to shop!). Not just because our table is incomplete, with two empty spaces. Not just because Andy is not here to remind the children about the day.
No, it's also different because my children are growing up and I am feeling the loss of them to adulthood as acutely some days as I feel the loss of my little girl. Gone are the days of homemade cards and breakfast in bed, my biggest hope now is that one of them will load the dishwasher before I get home from my long run on Sunday.
The two biggest players in the Mother's Day celebrations are gone. Andy reminded and cajoled the children to make an effort and he made me feel special. Daisy loved to celebrate a special day.
Part of me is going through what every mum goes through as their children grow up, part of me mourns for the days when they were all little. The hugest part of me mourns for my girl who was still so little. My little girl who will always be a little girl. I miss her more than ever on days like today.
I miss being the mother I was, I'm a different sort of mum now, but I will always be a mum of four.
Thinking of all of the bereaved mothers today of all days, when that loss feels bigger than ever.
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