Mothering Sunday

So here it is, another Mothering Sunday. The second without Daisy.

I was asked this week what I say when I am asked how many children I have?  Always four, I always will have four children, I replied.  She may no longer be here but she will always be with me, every single day.

Mother's day is hard.  That day when we celebrate motherhood.  We all have mothers, some of us are lucky to be mothers or to have made the choice to have children.

I always wanted children, just not straight away.  I'm so glad Andy and I waited for a few years.  I'm so lucky that I met him when I was young so that we were able to have that time together, to cement our relationship, BC – before children.  It seems like centuries ago, a completely different world away.

Forever Twelve

It's Daisy's birthday.  She would be a teenager today.  But now she will be forever twelve.

I'm not sure how I feel.  If Daisy was still here to celebrate her birthday I wonder what we would have been able to do, what she would have been able to do?

Last year we went to see Disney on Ice.  She was so excited to see her favourite character, Olaf, from Frozen.  We left after the interval however.  The noise was overwhelming for her, she was uncomfortable, she was trying so hard but it was just all too much and her excitement turned to anger as she lashed out at anyone getting too close.

This time last year I was starting to have conversations about changing her wheelchair to a bigger one, one that she wouldn't be able to wheel herself but would give her better  support and comfort.  I knew that our trip to see Disney on Ice was probably the last treat, not because I knew she would die but everything was becoming harder and harder for her. Getting out and about was just too difficult, for Daisy and for us.

Be careful what you wish for

Christmas.  For Daisy this was the most important time of the year (closely followed by her birthday, and then everyone else's birthdays).

 The build up started in the summer.  With the demands for me to write lists for "Ho Ho Ho".  She loved to send letters folding up the pieces of paper she had scribbled on and demanding a stamp so that they could be sent (quickly please mummy)

The Singing Hands Christmas DVD would be on constant loop and gradually over the months excitement would build as decorations appeared in the shops and the rest of the world caught up with Daisy's festive enthusiasm.  Last year I even broke my absolute rule and put the tree up in November, it had been getting earlier and earlier each year and last year was the first Christmas since Andy's funeral and I was prepared to do anything to make it special, including giving in to Daisy's demands and putting the tree up before December.

I'm so glad I did.  I'm so glad I trawled the internet trying to get hold of the Baby Alive doll she kept watching You Tube videos of.  I'm so glad she dressed up in her Christmas hat and visited friends,  delivering cards and presents.

visiting the GP surgery to deliver cards to our friends there

Long hot summer just passed me by

The long summer holiday.  Obviously I use the word "summer' in the loosest sense of the word as I have resorted to firing up the woodburner and digging out my winter boots on more than one occasion this summer as we enjoy the ups and downs of the British weather.

Thanks to the "on this day" function on Facebook I receive daily reminders of previous summers.  Last sumer when Daisy developed shingles just before I was about to go away for a much anticipated school reunion and how she bounced back as only Daisy could so that at the eleventh hour I could make it.  The week's  break Andy, Jules and I took in Southwold when Andy was recovering form his SIRT treatment - sitting together on windswept beaches, plenty of shots of all the lovely food we consumed that week.

These foolish things remind me of you

It catches you unawares, when you least expect it.  Those little things.  I'll be  in a shop and see a something that I know Daisy would like, would have liked, and remember that I'm never going shop for her again.  No more trinkets from festivals, tshirts of her latest favourite character, no more over the top accessories or endless craft supplies.