When Life Gives You Lemons: Amelia Denton

I am loving this WLGYL series because it has introduced me to some incredible people.  Sometimes those people were under my nose and I've been able to look at them with new eyes.

I've known Amelia since she was a little girl.  She is my friend Suzanne's niece and my first meeting with her was when she was a bridesmaid at Suzanne's wedding 26 years ago (in fact it was Suzanne's husband, Jon, who first introduced me to Andy).

I really did not take much notice of Amelia at the time apart from noticing the fact that had a disability.  I knew nothing of disabilities in those days and I probably felt pity and maybe even a level of discomfort in engaging with her.  She was a little girl after all and communicating with children, let along children with disabilities was not something on my radar in those days.

But I am so fortunate to have got to know Amelia the person.  I've seen her grow up through Suzanne's eyes as she posted pictures of Amelia's achievements, always the proud Auntie.  And now I know Amelia the woman, the mother, the person who wants to make a difference, and I'd like you to get to know her too........

Amelia and her son, Elliot

Video: How to deal with bereavement as a parent

I recently made a short film with Nurture Channel for You Tube on my own experiences as a parent coping with the death of my husband and my child and how I supported my children (and took care of myself) during our loss and ongoing grief

Happy Father's Day (especially to those of us pulling the double shift)

Every year on Father's day I send a message to other mums I know who are single parents, acknowledging that they are pulling the double shift .

Parenting - the toughest job in the world (and don't expect the little darlings to thank you either)

We are currently entering week 3 of Daisy’s stay at Great Ormond Street hospital.  On the 14^th October she had an 8 hour surgery to her bladder and abdomen aimed at sorting some ongoing problems and creating some solutions which will improve her quality of life.  Thanks to the wonderful, skilled team looking after her the surgery went really well and she is recovering slowly but surely, the ongoing issue, as always, being the management of her pain .  Of course Daisy loves to move the goal posts every now and then, this admission she developed an extreme sensitivity to intravenous morphine which means we really can’t use it.

It’s been so difficult dividing myself between here and home, making sure Andy is eating OK, rushing to meet him at outpatients appointments.  And while our other three children are now teenagers, in many ways they need me now more than ever to be a listening ear and to help source the lost travel card from a distance (I have special skills in this department). 

When you child's playstation habit makes you burst with pride

I really, really did not imagine I would ever write a post with the title "when your child's playstation habit makes you burst with pride", but a couple of weeks ago that is what happened.

You see I have this love/hate relationship with games consoles - the neurotypical (read non-aspie) parent in me who believes in healthy exercise, being outside, riding bikes, kicking footballs, throwing rugby balls and hours spent in a swimming pool, hates games consoles, they are a modern day evil turning our children into dribbling, square-eyed, monsters...

However, the other parent in me, the one who is trying to understand how her children tick, who is aware of the one who is differently wired, who is desperately not trying to turn in to her parents  (anyone remember the comments their parents made about your favourite bands during Top of the Pops?)........

Did you miss something Mr Timpson?

You may remember that earlier this year I was part of a delegation of Special Needs Bloggers who met with Edward Timpson, MP - Parliamentary-Under Secretary for Children and Families.  We had an opportunity to share with him our personal experiences of life parenting a child with disabilities.  He was very engaged and appreciated the time we spent helping him understand the realities of life when you are involved in a more extreme form of parenting.  In fact after the meeting I received a lovely note from him which even mentioned some of the points I had made and thanked me for my time as he wanted to ensure that he full understood the challenges parents like myself face.

Happy 5th Birthday " Was this in the Plan?"

Today is 5 years since I started this blog.  5 years ago, Daisy was 3 years old and was once again in hospital,in the early weeks of a stay which eventually lasted for 12 months.  5 years ago this month she had her first central line inserted into a main vein into her chest, the tip of which rests near her heart, and she started on the intravenous nutrition (TPN) she still needs, 5 years on, to keep her alive.  I started this blog as a way of recording what was happening in our lives at the time, over the years it has evolved and changed as we have had to adjust and change to the constant challenges being thrown to us.

Getting it into perspective

We seem to live in a time of competitive parenting, and nowhere more so than London.  It's all about getting your child into the right school, playing the right sport, attending the right clubs, having the best parties, what grades they get, what they are learning...it can drive you crazy and make you feel insecure. Sometimes those insecurities then leak into other areas of my life - I blog for me and the people like me, so why do I feel the need every now and then to engage with the (insert your own adjective here) community of Mummy Bloggers, it only makes me feel inferior that I am not listed in the Tots100 blogs, or ranked as one of the best Special Needs blogs, or that I just don't have the time to sit for hours on end tweaking the look and feel of my blog.  Really all these pressures make me forget my number one rule, focus on what you have, not what you don't have.

Extreme Multi-tasking

On Sunday I completed my last run in the challenge I had set myself earlier this year to run 7 races to mark 7 years of care by our hospice, ShootingStar-Chase for our family.  The last race in my series of runs was the Loseley 10k - a very challenging cross country run over fields, up hills and down sandy tracks - made even more challenging by the torrential rain we drove through to get there!  I was joined by my lovely boys, Theo and Jules who had been cajoled into running the 4k version of the race.  I had also agreed to give a speech to the assembled runners on the start line about the hospice and what it means for our family.  This is what I mean when I titled this post extreme multi-tasking  - really how many other people turning up for that race had had to get up several times the night before to administer pain relief to their child, disconnect her TPN, rouse the reluctant boys, battle through driving rain and closed roads then stand up and give a speech before jumping off the stage and running 10K across muddy fields????

When you least expect it.....

I ran my first half marathon since 1996 yesterday.  Last time I ran a half marathon I was considerably younger and the following day I also discovered I was pregnant with our first child, Theo.  I was so pleased at my time yesterday, I exceeded my expectations and came in at 1:49:07 still feeling strong and definitely with enough mileage left in my middle-aged legs to cover the full marathon - a commitment I have agreed to take on for our hospice next year!

But something happened yesterday which hit me like a ton of bricks - a mile into my run, getting into a steady rhythm, I started to notice my fellow runners, the majority, like me, were running for charities, many had signs on their backs dedicating their run to a late mother, or father or friend.  And I was struck by the enormity of what I was doing, early that morning I had tucked the blankets around a peaceful Daisy - hooked up to her drip, with extension bags on her gastrostomy to drain bile, her ileostomy to drain faecal waste and her catheter - surrounded by her toys and books....and at that moment, a mile into the race, I wanted to stop and sit on the side of the road and sob my heart out.

The Waiting Game....

We know the waiting game well, we parents of children with additional or medical needs.  Waiting for results, waiting for appointments, waiting for confirmation, waiting for the post, waiting to see if the treatment is working, our lives are a waiting game interspersed with rushes of adrenaline when the waiting stops momentarily and before we have to move onto the next thing we are waiting for.  But the waiting never stops, there's always something that could help, that may make a difference, that will provide some support - it's part of the special parent job description "must get used to waiting".

Too much information?

An article appeared in the New York Times this week announcing a breakthrough in antenatal testing which is non-invasive so carries no miscarriage risk but could potentially identify up to 3,000 genetic diseases caused by gene mutations

http://www.nytimes.com/2012/06/07/health/tests-of-parents-are-used-to-map-genes-of-a-fetus.html?_r=1

At the moment antenatal screening is limited to a handful of know disorders such as Downs, or where there is an inherited risk such as Cystic Fibrosis.  The definitive test involves an invasive procedure, either amniocentesis or CVS (chorionic villus sampling) to obtain genetic material in order to establish the baby's karyotype and whether they are carrying a known genetic disease.

Genome mapping and it's applications was in its infancy when Daisy was born but within a year the mutation for Costello Syndrome had been identified and there is now a theoretical chance that babies could be diagnosed antenatally with the syndrome.  This new test also means that screening can be done for a huge range of known genetic syndromes without any risk of miscarriage. Pandora's Box has been opened....

When I was pregnant with Daisy, we were given a 1:4 chance of having a child with Downs.  We had breezed into the scan, with a family holiday booked for the end of the week and feeling like we were old hands at this pregnancy game, that's when the first of the thousands of Daisy-shaped curve balls hit us.  The consultant seemed to spend ages looking at the monitor and then made an excuse to leave the room, when he came back it was with a Nurse - we now know she is the nurse specialist for Fetal Medicine and that's when we were told that our chances of having a baby with Downs were 1 in 4.  And all that was mentioned was Downs, or at least that's what we heard, we went home and I googled and read and tried to remind myself that 1 in 4 meant that the odds were still in our favour (just!).

This be the Verse....

I remember being about 8 months pregnant with Xanthe , Theo had just turned two, I was wracked with guilt about bringing another child into the mix and turning his world upside down.   How could I share my love for him with another? Would things ever be the same

...these feelings of guilt are what many mothers feel when they think about or go on to have a sibling for their first child, it's that fear that we are not doing the right thing by our child, that they only get one shot at a childhood and our actions or inactions would ruin it for them...

It was a similar feeling in 2004 when we were told at our 10 week scan that we had a 1 in 4 chance of having a  child with Downs.  My first reaction was that we had ruined the children's lives, that things would never be the same, that the dreams and hopes and plans I had for my family were all shattered...

A letter to my son.....

A couple of weeks ago, someone somewhere googled “I Wish I Didn’t Have Aspergers”. The phrase popped up in a blogging dashboard and struck the blogger as being particularly sad. She wished she could have answered.


The result has been an autism positivity flashblog, going out today, 30th April, where bloggers who write about autism and aspergers write a post which hopefully anyone googling "I Wish I Didn't Have Aspergers" would find support and encouragement from a whole community of people who understand, or are trying to understand...

"I wish I didn't have aspergers" is something I guess my son has said,or thought, or googled at some time so I thought I would write the letter that I would want him to see if he felt so low that he had to type in those words to see what came up...

Dear Theo

I remember when you were born, our first child, our boy, our son. We were filled with hopes and dreams for you, Daddy wanted you to be an Arsenal Striker, Fighter Pilot and Doctor all rolled into one (it's OK, he wasn't serious, well maybe not about the fighter pilot bit...). But what we wanted most for you was to be yourself.

Why do I do it?

So why do I write this blog and bare my soul to thousands of strangers week in week out?

I was pondering this following a recent thread on the Mumsnet Site and have found myself looking back over some of my old posts over the past week or so. It's only really in the past 6 months or so that I have actually "come out" as a blogger within the blogging community, although the reality is I have been writing for years.  I wrote my first  post on the 1st January 2007 for an earlier blog I had started but my serious, regular blogging began late in 2008 when our lives reached another turning point with Daisy.

Prior to that time, Daisy's life was following a "typical" Costello Syndrome course - lots of hospital stays and already she had undergone several surgeries, but my old blog was already documenting our worries about Daisy's gastrointestinal issue and the lack of either improvement or stability which is normally seen in the syndrome.  Similarly, Theo, our oldest son,  was on the gifted and talented programme in his junior school and we smiled at his quirks and obsessions putting them all down to the fact that he was so bright and his anxieties we blamed on being the eldest of four.  We had no inkling of what was to come.  A pivotal point in our life with Daisy, which was already complicated came in September 2008 when she was rushed into hospital with yet another infection and then soon after transferred to Great Ormond Street hospital where she started Total Parenteral Nutrition, the system of delivering nutrients directly into the bloodstream when the gastrointestinal system becomes unfeedable.  It was at this point I began to blog in earnest, here is the the first post I ever wrote for Was this in the Plan? My first blog post

The Adapted Family

I'm participating in the Define Normal Blog Hop this week where the challenge has been given to us special  needs mums to define what we consider normal in our lives and embrace the things that make us different to other families.

I was thinking about this and started remembering stuff I learned a long (very long) time ago at University when I was an undergrad studying Social Anthropology.  My interest was specifically how peoples adapt to their environment and how communities evolve to take into account the external influences of their environment.  For those of you who are curious, my dissertation was on the significance of the Potlatch Ceremony among the Kwakiutl peoples of the Pacific North West....but that is all another world away..

So I was musing on the blog hop topic, which focuses on the things we take for granted as special needs families which may be perceived as weird or odd in the wider world and I realised that what we all do is adapt, what actually is "normal" anway?  The only thing that is actually normal is a cycle on the washing machine... we have all adapted to fit our own influences that shape our family.  Things that I take for granted like putting a tube into my daughter's tummy to empty her bladder are clearly a bit away from the norm for any 7 year old, but we have adapted our lives to accept that if she is going to avoid urine infections this is what we need to do.  The normal for us is that way because our family has adapted to survive as a unit around the demands of the needs of the individuals in it.  We all do what works for our family unit, regardless of whether or not there are additional needs.